Do we need to be super awesome ALLLL the time?
Being awesome can be exhausting! You work super hard for a particular project and it smashes it's goals. Everyone congratulates you and you get that beautiful warm feeling of satisfaction and completeness. Ahhh...You take yourself out for a congratulatory drink and the next morning, people are still shaking your hand and giving you knowing nods. But then in the afternoon meeting with your boss, they move right onto the next big project that's super urgent and important. They want you to take point on it as you did so well with the last one. What the...where's the chill time? What about the last big push, don't I get some space? Well, actually, no.
The same could be said for working in your own business. You smash your target for the quarter - but the next day the new quarter starts and the bills don't rest; finish writing that book - now it's time to promote it; you kill a job for a client - but there is always so much more to do. Argh!
I know what you are thinking, who asked Mr Happy motivational speaker to write a blog today? Glad we followed you, Andrew! But stay with me as there is a point I promise.
My question is, does being awesome have to be the main way to feeling good? If you weren't 'on' all the time, would that be ok? It's an important question as it's likely, from time to time, you don't hit the high notes, you can't close the deal, the customer says no or you just mess up.
What do you do then? Freak out and get depressed? Go on a bender of booze/Netflix/food for all three? (sounds quite good actually haha) It's likely you will. Or you double down on the next project to really smash it out of the park. But what if something like a worldwide pandemic comes along and you can't work, then you are really fucked.
The reason for this blog today is that I recently discovered that one of my most successful friends is actually suffering severe mental health challenges. He has it all (by outward appearances) but doesn't know how to just be fulfilled where he is right now. COVID was really tough on him as he couldn't work and achieve. It's a damn shame that we have a society that reaching the top of the mountain often is depicted as being rich and when you get it, you realise it was the wrong mountain.
So it's kinda important to learn how to separate our emotions from the performance we achieve. I know this roller coaster well as I did it for about 20 years! It was productive as hell, three degrees, sports achievements, work success, but it was a bit exhausting too. I realise now that I could have achieved just as much without the highs and lows if I just knew how. To be honest, I'm still working on it. I kick my ass often when I don't feel like I am doing enough, but I'm trying!
My exploration of this space has come up with a few key beliefs to live by and today I want to share the most important one that has helped me. It's all about balance...
there will always be ups and downs, light and dark, success and failure and in equal amounts so don't chase the light and hide from the shade. Embrace both sides, they are equally important for your fulillment.
It's easy to read but challenging to apply. I'm no expert on this but I am on a quest to do better so I look for those that know more than me. Svend Brinkmann is a Danish Professor of Psychology in the Department of Communication and Psychology at Aalborg University, Denmark. He wrote a few books on the topic and I love one of his quotes from his book Stand Firm...
"The pace of modern life is accelerating. To keep up, we must keep on moving and adapting – constantly striving for greater happiness and success. Or so we are told. But the demands of life in the fast lane come at a price: stress, fatigue and depression are at an all-time high, while our social interactions have become increasingly self-serving and opportunistic.
The secret to a happier life lies not in finding your inner self but in coming to terms with yourself in order to coexist peacefully with others. Better to face reality than ‘live in a fool's paradise', as my gran would say."
My hypothesis is if you didn't have to smash that goal and be awesome all the time to get that happy warm satisfied feeling would your life be better?
If you think it would, I urge you to seek out some books and teachings from smarter people than me on how to teach your brain and emotions how to embrace both success and failure in equal measure and be ok with both. Not in a fake it to you make it, pretend you are happy all the time, but genuine understanding of how that experience was just as necessary for you as any other alternative. Be happy, be sad, be in between - and ok with all of those emotions. That's the path to fulfilment.
Then go hang with some good mates, play with your kids, pat a dog, walk in nature and realise that real fulfillment is just appreciation of being alive.
Let's celebrate regular people, not mediocrity, but people who have balance and fulfilment, not just money and success. Perhaps we would be a happier planet.
Andrew
P.S. Feel free to disagree if you feel like this is all BS.